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Caitlin brings the fuckin' doom

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tell me what the fuck have you put your heart into? [09 15 09]
tomorrow is have heart's last show in syracuse. it's a bitter sweet feeling. i started listening to hardcore when i was in the seventh grade, when i was only twelve or thirteen, started consistently going to shows when i was fourteen. right around that time when i started going to shows did have heart quickly become one of my favorite bands not only in just hardcore but of all time. when i was young i wanted to live by the "Lionheart" lyrics and "Something More Than Ink." as a freshmen, "The Things We Carry" was released and instantly became one of my favorite records and still to this day amazes me. have heart is raw. have heart is real, and is everything i would ever want to see in a hardcore band. i will always hold bane closest to my heart when it comes to the most influential bands to me, but have heart is a close second.

that being said, i am going to miss being packed into a room of 300 kids singing along and losing their minds to this band. i'm 99% sure that i'll be going to boston to see their final show with bane, shipwreck, and some other great bands. this music has meant a lot to me over the past few years and i'm not going to let anyone talk down to me about it, and i hope tomorrow is a really memorable day.

"born this way, die this way. i'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees. i'd rather die on my feet so you can watch me, watch me rise, with the things we carry."


[01 10 09]
I can't believe it.
I am still in a state of shock. this will take months to sink in to my brain, I cannot wrap it around my head.
this can't be real.

just when I thought I was hitting rock bottom, everything suddenly became so much incredibly worse.
why did this have to happen to me? why did this have to happen to all of us, to him? why, why, why?
I am devastated. I am a wreck. I am not okay.

you run with the devil [01 08 09]
the desert fascinates me. i want to travel constantly, i wish i had the time, i wish i had the money, i wish i had the ability to go on a long trip. if i could hop on the next plane, i'd take it. i'd fly to miami, travel along the coast of florida. then i'd see the missisipi river, and travel all the way to new orleans through the cramped neighborhoods, i'd visit texas and mexico if i could, new mexico and arizona and learn to speak spanish with a bad accent. i'd finally get to see california, the glamour of los angeles and the beauty of the coastline and pacific ocean. i'd venture into nevada and see those valleys and the dry desert and sand dunes. into utah i'd see castle country and salt lake city, through wyoming, colorado, nebraska i'd see those endless great plains. i'd make my way to michigan and i'd see the smokey city of detroit and all those fabulous buildings. in ohio, cincinatti is a remarkable city that reminds me of something quaint but elegant, and maybe i'd finally get to see the rock and roll hall of fame. back in pennsylvania, i'd see philly, the city of brotherly love. on the way to massachusetts i would stop in new york city, buy fake gucci bags for $20 and enjoy a real cup of coffee. finally i'd get to my dream city of boston and i'd soak up every minute of it. making my way up the northeastern coastline i'd sit on the rocky shores of maine and feel the chilly atlantic air on my skin. and then, after it all, i would come right back here to central new york, syracuse, and i'd want to do it all over again.

[01 05 09]
everything is miserable, everything is miserable. I don't really care though, I guess? I guess I'm kind of heartless. nothing seems to matter to me, nothing seems to phase me. I'll cry about it for maybe a minute, then feel nothing. last night as I walked out of the garage I could have been crying a river for a split second, but then I just drove home, staring out at nothing and I remember my exact thoughts were: oh well, I don't really give a fuck about any of these people, they don't matter to me, and I won't see them ever again by this time next year, so I really don't care who I hurt or who hurts me. none of it matters.

regardless, I really do love some people, you know who you are. but honestly I just want to get the fuck out of here and start a completely different life, where I can be happy. I know I won't be here. I'm sick of people who pretend they don't care about a thing, I'm sick of people who choose not to put in any effort. more than anything, I am sick of waiting around for people. oh yeah, I like you but I'll just fuck around with you for a little bit until I get bored and decide I don't want a relationship - yeah that won't affect me in anyway at all, because I don't have emotions. oh yeah, we'll hang out, just as soon as I'm not busy with all of my other friends who are more important than you. yeah, I love you but I have a girlfriend but I'll continue to tell you all the things you want to hear that mean nothing. oh yeah, let's be friends but I'll never talk to you. oh yeah, you matter. no. FUCK OFF!

anyway, not everything is bad. in the process of finding a new job, for real this time! opened a new bank account, and I'm starting to save more money, and got a new debit card. one resolution done already, I just need to keep it up. decided to cover "hello I'm in Delaware" by city and colour, listen to it! I'm excited. and I get to go shopping with my alexa on sunday! it's been too long since I've seen her. although, in a few weeks a lot of things will change. good/bad? probably bad, but whatever!

[01 04 09]
I keep having a really similar dream. not every night, but I've had it probably five times now within the past month. it's the type of dream where during it, you feel like it's completely real, and it's so good and so wonderful, it's exactly what you want. and then you wake up and for maybe two or three seconds you feel like you're still living it, and then your entire world comes crashing down after you realize that it's very, very fake. it's entirely depressing.

I read into things far too much. and I can't figure this one out. I can't tell if it's just my subconscious telling me that I just want what I can't have, and that I'm just upset by it and still think of it; or if it's my subconscious telling me that it's going to happen. each time I have this dream it's always a little bit different, and every time it gets a little bit better. honestly I think it might drive me absolutely insane. I wish I could just move on and close that tiny little chapter of my life, but my dreams won't let me.

it's so satisfying, and so comforting. if only I could live in this dream, or hold onto it a little bit longer.

[12 30 08]
from now on I think I'll just make these public, not friends-only. I really only use it to just ramble, and I only talk to two or three people on my friends list, so what's the point! it's wierd to see how much livejournal has changed since I first started to use it.

things have actually changed a lot within only the past week and a half or so. I can't believe how fast christmas came and went. I don't even feel like it happened. it was good though, for the most part. it was the first christmas that I've spent alone in years, but it actually wasn't as sad as I thought it would be, I was actually content. it's nice only needing to depend on yourself. I got some nice stuff too. I'm recording soon, too. what a great christmas present! a five-song demo, all acoustic for now. four originals and a city and colour cover. get into it! I got a new phone, too, and now I hardly ever use the computer to go on the internet. now if only I had the money to buy a new camera, I'd be set.

tomorrow is new year's eve, and I'm not going to spend it the way I thought I would be, I don't think. I was supposed to go to kelly's for dinner and then go along with what everyone else wanted to do, which would most likely be getting drunk. I love those people with all my heart, I really do, but sometimes things are just different, I don't know? instead I'm spending the night out at skaneateles I think, we're going to look out at the lake when it's dark. ever since I got shitfaced and made things awkward with the person I liked at the moment, drinking has seemed so much less appealing to me.

thankfully, I've made peace with what happened with you and I. sometimes you still make my stomach turn, but I've realized what type of person you are, and I'm glad that things aren't awkward between us now. or at least 99% of the time they aren't. the other night I was able to be around you without getting upset that things aren't the way they used to be for that short time where I was so happy. I'm upset that things didn't work out, but that's just the way things go, and I'm okay.

it's kind of nice being on my own, I've realized. I miss the comfort of a relationship, I miss that a lot, but I know it'll come for me. I'm learning to be patient. often times I'm so confused about you, you know exactly who you are. don't hold my hand and tell me you love me. no more. I need to get my head on straight, my head needs to be clear. and for the most part, I'm doing well with that. I'm ready for winter to be over, though. usually I like it until christmas, and then want it to be over. and I still feel that way. I'm sick of the cold and snow, I'd rather feel the warm summer heat where the sun doesn't go down until nine-thirty, or the cool air of autumn. but like everything else, it'll come with the seasons.

[04 07 07]
Convention '07 !

WERULE.Collapse )

[11 08 06]

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